Witness

This is an essay I wrote about my friend Lorna for my English class this year. Enjoy.

Witness

Beep. Beep. Beep. The monitor ominously spat mosquito-like warnings; a constant reminder of what was to come, what would inevitably occur. My heart beat so loudly in my chest that I was sure it could be heard far outside this dreary, fresh-scented, white room. But I walked steadily, purposefully, breathing deeply and even trying to paste on the smile I almost always seem to hide behind. I looked to my right and she lay there. She was glazed in a thin layer of glossy sweat, her face contorted with pain. There were others there, but I saw only her.

I sat down beside her, gripping her hand. I glanced up at her face, immediately turning away. This was not Lorna. That is, this was not the Lorna I knew. I stared at her worn, wrinkled hand. The same hand that had been laced with a wedding ring so many years earlier, the same hand that had served so many, the same hand that had held me close when I needed comfort. Her skin was soft, almost too soft. I braved another peek at her face, this time allowing my gaze to linger for a few moments. I noticed her eyes, the only part of her tortured body that lay motionless. They were closed. She could have been sleeping if it were not for her shallow, labored breaths and frequent convulsions throughout her chest, accompanied by the wheezing oxygen machine in the corner. As I stroked her hand, her eyes opened. I looked directly into them and I could see her soul. This was Lorna. She was still here.

I wanted to say something, to tell her how much she meant to me, to say goodbye, but the words would not come. She, who could not speak, had said it all with her eyes. So I resigned to holding her hand. I didn’t know how else to tell her the thoughts of thanks and love that were racing around in my head, pounding to get out.

In a matter of seconds, the chaos inside my head became a reality. The monitor screeched. People scurried. I squeezed Lorna’s hand and then let go forever. The ones who loved her most gathered around her, whispering final goodbyes and words of love, but I knew she was already gone.

And then I saw it: my blue jacket. It was sitting guiltily on the oxygen machine. My heart skipped a beat--or fifty. I felt the blood drain from my face and I could taste the fear on my tongue. Had I done this? Was it my fault that it had happened at that moment?

I knew, deep down, that it was not my fault. It had nothing to do with my jacket. It had not really stopped the oxygen flow. I reasoned that it had been sitting there the whole time and it would have happened a lot sooner if that had been the cause of all of this. But there was still no explanation for why this had happened.

There was only pain; and somewhere beneath all the rubble there was the knowledge that she was now at peace. But there was a lot of wreckage to shovel through before that acceptance could be reached. All I could see was darkness. I wanted to break down, to let the grief and the weight of what I had just witnessed crush down on me, if only for a second. How could I ever be happy again?

And then it happened. The world seemed to stand still. A breeze rushed through the room, through my body. A tingle spread from my toes to my hair and goose bumps popped up on my arms. That was Lorna. She was there. And I smiled.

Auditions: a Necessary Evil

Two weekends ago was probably the craziest weekend I have had in quite some time. I went to see HMS Pinafore at the Guthrie (see previous post), I had auditions at the Children's Theatre Company (CTC), the Guthrie, and Ashland Productions, I had callbacks at CTC and a (wonderful) lunch with my friend Tinia. Plus, I packed for my trip to the Boundary Waters with my dad.

So, my auditions. The worst part of the theatre is auditioning (in my opinion). There's just so much stress and so much that a performer wants to convey in that fleeting two minute time slot. I had never auditioned at CTC or the Guthrie before, so I didn't know what to expect and I was nervous. Like, REALLY nervous. For CTC, we came in without anything prepared and sang 16 measures of "Off to See the Wizard" from the Wizard of Oz. And then they taught us a short dance combo. I felt okay about it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I left feeling confident that I had done my very best; a great feeling. So, I was off to the Guthrie. I walked in feeling nervous, but knowing not to expect anything to come of this audition. Being just 17, I am barely old enough to be considered in the first place. We (about 15 other women between the ages of 17 and 70 and myself) were brought into a rehearsal room to learn Good King Wenceslas which would be our audition piece. We learned the song fairly quickly and then were sent to the hallway to wait. We were each called in individually and sang the piece. When I walked in, I smiled and they asked me to take my mark and begin when I was ready. I felt like it went alright. I didn't make any major mistakes, other than letting my nerves get the best of me. I walked out feeling pretty confident about my performance. And then it was on to the dance portion. That was...frightening. Here we all were in this small rehearsal room, trying to learn a dance which consisted of skipping backwards, kicks, and percussive stomps and knee-slaps. And it was fast. Yikes. Let's just say, it could've gone better. As I was leaving the Guthrie, I checked my phone and I had a message from Tinia...that brightened my mood a little bit. :)

So, the next morning CTC called to tell me I had a callback. I was SO excited! I couldn't believe that I had actually been picked for a callback. About 200 kids 8-18 auditioned and 40 of us were called back. A major accomplishment for me. Tinia and I met for lunch at 1 o'clock and we just sat at the table and chatted for about 2 hours. It was so much fun. In case you haven't read the previous post, Tinia is a friend of mine who was in HMS Pinafore at the Guthrie. She is a really amazing person and she inspires me so much. I am so lucky that I know someone so kind and talented.

Anyway, after our lunch, I headed off to CTC for my callback. I didn't really know what to expect, but I just did as best I could and smiled as much as possible. The dance was a lot more challenging that time around and I had a hard time with it, but I was just so over-joyed that I was called back, it didn't even matter. I just had fun with it and tried my best. And pretty soon I was off to an audition at Ashland Productions.

After my long weekend of auditions and callbacks, I couldn't have felt more relaxed when I went into the Ashland auditions. I was just happy to be there. I sang my song and then we did a pretty simple dance combo (which felt pretty good for me) and then it was over. Easy as pie.

So, when I got up the next morning at 6 to get in the car to drive to the boundary waters, I was feeling great. All my auditions were over and I could just relax. I had a really fun time with my dad up in the middle of nowhere. We canoed (as you do in the BWCA) a lot and enjoyed the peacefulness of the wilderness. Alright, so, I didn't particularly enjoy not being able to shower for four days, but other than that, it was pretty fun.

We returned on Friday and I was faced with a dilemma: Tinia had given me two comp tickets for HMS Pinafore and I needed to find someone to go with me! I had already called a bunch of friends and no one could come, so Saturday morning I called my voice teacher, Lynn and she said yes! It turned out that she was definitely the right person to go with. I ended up getting to meet Aleks Knezevich, who was one of leads in the show (Lynn had worked with him a few years before and we got to hang out after the show). It was super fun and exciting for me to meet a "real" actor.

On Saturday, I received a call from Ashland Productions telling me I had a call back the next day. I was so happy about this!! I got to the call backs the next day, expecting to see quite a few people, but I was mistaken. There were just eight women. Four of us were called back for Yonah and the other four (the older ones) for Eve. The other three girls who were called back for Yonah were older than me (I knew just by looking at them). We sang two songs from the show and we read a scene. After we had sung, I found out that the next youngest girl was 4 years older than me and entering her senior year of college with a Vocal Performance major. The other two were three and five years out of college, respectively. To be considered for a role against these three talented ladies is quite an honor. I felt that the call back should've gone better. I was battling a nasty cold and I didn't feel like my singing was quite up to par, but I don't feel bad that I didn't get cast in that role, because the girl who did is amazing!

I didn't get cast at the Guthrie or CTC, but I'm okay with that because I did the best that I could. My friend, Marisa, however did get cast at the Guthrie and I can't wait to go see her! I'm so proud of her!

So, I will be appearing at Ashland Productions in the Ensemble of Children of Eden this fall. More info and updates to follow!

Back to school on Tuesday...senior year! <3

K