Healing

The past week and a half may have been the most difficult time period in my life. But, who knows? Chrissy's death came as such a shock, and I don't know if it has really dawned on me yet. Maybe it's because my life is already so occupied right now, so I've been too busy to really feel the loss.

When I do feel it is when I am at church, where the lack of Chrissy's presence is so obvious. Certain songs will always bring back so many fond memories of Chris. The loss is also noticed when I proudly wear my breast cancer ribbon in Chrissy's honor, and I'm asked why I wear it. Holding back the tears, that seem to always be hidden only slightly behind my eyelashes, is so difficult. Also, when I see my wonderful, supportive friends and they show their love with hugs and nice words, I have to use all the energy I have to refrain from crying.

And so the healing begins. Actually, it begins the moment someone you know dies. Whether you know it or not, from that moment you are healing. Every time you cry, that is healing. Healing is a personal experience, but one of the ways that I heal is through poetry. Here is a poem I recently wrote:

I Miss You

In the black of night,
My heart beats in my chest,
I hold the tears back.
Sitting in my bed,
Sleep eluding me,
You are in my thoughts.
Outside, the moon shines.
Up there the stars glisten and I know you're up there too.

With this specific death I am also healing through a research paper that I'm writing about breast cancer. This is very personal and important to me so it is letting me express my thoughts and feelings about the disease.

I know that Chrissy's death will be something that I always carry inside me, but hopefully, I won't always think of her and be sad that she's gone. I know that in time, the good memories will overcome the sadness. But now is not the time for that. Now is the time to be sad. To let Chrissy's life be remembered and to allow myself to cry.

Love,
Kate